That thing we call love...

 

I started Tuesday morning thinking this was going to be the worst day of my life and ended the day thinking it was quite possibly one of the best days of my life! Looking back on Wednesday morning I felt I'd been to the biggest and most amazing party on the planet! And I have my Mom and RIP Father to thank for that feeling. Tuesday morning was incredibly hard and painful but even the first service had touches of lightness and laughter (something you really wouldn't expect at a Crem!) thanks to Jack. My nephew is an amazing lad who knew exactly what to say and had a delivery worthy of any politician! His recollections of his Grandad (on behalf of his fellow grandchildren) and my Father were on the money and had us all in fits of laughter.

Jack said his Grandfather was a hoarder! "Quelle Surprise!" Whilst he could understand his obsession to keep plastic pots, jam jar lids and other bits and bobs just because they might come in useful one day, Grandad's obsession for collecting used lightbulbs and keeping them in an old onion net bag hung up in the garage was still a mystery to us all. His Grandad was solely responsible for the teasle population explosion in mid Wales and all the grandchildren remembered that as soon as they had learnt to drive they would be invited to go along to the skidpan with Grandad. As Jack said, it wasn't the skidpan that frightened them, nor the fact that there was usually an  ex policeman sitting beside them, nor the slipping around and need to brake when the car began to skid. It was the fact that they had to drive there with Grandad in the passenger seat and just one 'tut' meant they were in trouble!

Jack's recollections of his Grandad were exactly what we needed and lifted our spirits in a way I would never have expected just a few hours before.

When we got to Trinity, the car park was full and the church was packed with a brightly dressed congregation. There will never be another man like my Dad. And there will never be another service like that one. The wonderful slide show that Greg, my brother put together depicting Dad's life from a baby to adulthood, with his family, during the war, touching moments with Mom, with his children, grandchildren and more. Greg's eulogy, Liz's Robert Frost poem, Jacob's recollections, Marie's poem and Andris's Hungarian story made this a day to remember. I don't think I've ever sat in Church and felt so exhilarated and emotional all at the same time! There were tears, there was laughter, there was sadness and there were some real touches of genius! I was so proud of everyone, particularly my children of course, and all the grandchildren who showed extraordinary strength of character and great courage. I love my brother and sister to bits and both of them found that inner Szabo strength to read, enlighten and entertain - I know Dad would have been so proud and have no doubt he knew exactly what was going on. Finishing with a fabulous montage of photos and that special photograph of Mom & Dad with Eric in Morecome Bay with the tune, 'Bring me Sunshine' was inspired!

I was left with a great feeling of belonging and no amount of pain or feeling of loss can ever take that away. Dad may now be with us in spirit but his (and Moms) family values, their positive attitude to life, their courage. joy and patience, their encouragement and that 'Superfamily' Szabo strength are so deeply rooted in all of us that they are the glue that binds this family together every single day. As Jake said, Grandad taught all his grandchildren to stand up for themselves, be strong, be outspoken and that's why all seven are individuals and know who they are.

This was the final chapter so we celebrated by raising our glasses to Dad. I know that whenever I want to think about Dad and remember him, I have an amazing book of wonderful memories to call on.

My Syrupy SPIRIT!

I can quite honestly say that this morning I was 'beside myself!' I have looked it up and apparently the ancients used to believe that the soul and the body could part and that under great emotional stress the soul would actually leave the body. When this happened a person was said to be 'beside himself'. So there it is... it's a fact and an uncomfortable one at that! Right now, the very fabric of my past and present life has been pulled from beneath me and I don't like it. My future is incomplete without my father but like my mother and the rest of my lovely family, we have to deal with the loss in the best way we can :(

Talking of cans... my father was renowned for buying anything useful, including tins of fruit from the pound shop. Bless him, he could never resist a bargain - my mother has a shed, a garage and a house full of bargains! I was completely at a loose end today unable to concentrate on anything, so I decided I should clear out a kitchen cupboard to make space for my lovely baking goodies. Then at least I could feel I've achieved something!
I moved just the first few items, something I do often and realised they were sitting in a pool of liquid, a syrupy liquid. It had very little odour so at first I couldn't work out what it was. I had to take everything out of the cupboard before I discovered where the leak was coming from. Right in the corner at the back was one of Dad's big cans of apricots! It has to have been there for perhaps 2 years and has been perfectly okay. I know, I don't eat apricots very often and I don't get to the back of my kitchen cupboards very often either. But, ready to burst it had obviously sprung a leak which I'd say has happened in the past 24 hours. My Father works in mysterious ways :) Father, dear father, you may be gone but you've left us with plenty of reminders to ensure that you're not forgotton!! x

A little bit of love...

I saw this and just couldn't resist xx xx

Swans in January?!

This week's busy and highly emotional A to Z

A is for Acts 2:1 When the day of Pentecost was fully come (a great family saying), amazing friends and family, my father ‘The Alien’ and here’s to planning more adventures in 2012!

B is for the beautiful voice of 14-year old Birdy, a bright new future and one of my parents favourite tunes, ‘Bring me sunshine’

C is for car problems (it was only a stuck stick!), the biggest Christmas present I think I’ve ever had (thanks R&J for my fabulous 7’ bamboo plant!), cherishing the memories and coffee at motorway services :)

D is for daring to believe this isn’t the end, driving the wheels off my car and sleep deprivation!

E is for EIGHTYSEVEN wonderful years of my dad

F is for freedom, family and facing up to life, which means learning, accepting and adjusting to every single experience, good and bad

G is for a lovely Ginger visit, ‘Great loves {mean} Great losses’, Greg’s pickle (we all now know it was Rachael’s!), setting new goals and John Grisham’s ‘The Summons”

H is for happy memories, Hungarian Lecho, big hugs and what will be a Happy 2012!

I is for impeccable timing

J is for January, a painful month but still a better one that December

K is for my new Killers cd Day & Age

L is for losing my mojo, letting go, my little brother’s birthday and unconditional love x

M is for Miklós, the father I love and my amazing mother, without whom none of us would be here!

N is for new Hobbs dress, NO black and red nail polish!

O is for overcoming our fears and believing that everything happens for a reason

P is for “Pull yourself together”, proud to be Szabó and sodding plumbing problems!

Q is for quiet

R is for relief, rejoice, reality and wonderful rays of glorious sunshine

S is for special friends, my surprise parcel from ‘Smile, I am not another bill’, strong family ties and smiling through the tears

T is for being thankful and Tim, Tim the property man (yet again!) :)

U is for understanding all this

V is for vicars, I see none for years then two appear within 5 minutes!

W is for wavelengths that work in a way we’ll never understand

X, Y and Z are again just my impossible letters

And that concludes the week that was, thank you! X

87 years of happy memories...

My dad, a most interesting and extraordinary man who gave us so many happy memories in all of his 87 years. Being a Szabó meant we were always pretty unique. If I got into any trouble at school, I couldn't hide from it with a name like Szabó! Dad, being dad, always taught us to be the very best at what we did. He was a 21st century man that was way ahead of his time!

As a child I remember seeing him one week and not the next, due to his shifts. However, I always knew when he'd arrived home in the evening. I could smell the soup and croutons which mum made for his supper, though I never dared go downstairs because my dad was very old-school. His influence was legendary. Imagine a mix of eccentric red-blooded Hungarian foreigner combined with  a good helping of English sensibility, patience, intelligence and the unfailing ability to cope with anything life throws at me and that's what makes me truly unique.

I have both parents to thank for my drive and hunger for work, my passion for life and my creativity. If I ever mentioned any project I was doing at school, my dad wanted to get involved and although I might have resisted, he always knew the best way to do anything. "Do it this way" was just one of his mantras! He'd help me with my projects, encourage me to keep trying until I got something right and he believed in me even when I'd almost given up. He's also the one that kept me up until after midnight giving me photoshop tutorials! God, I loved that man, my dad!

I'll admit, there's no easy way to prepare for what has happened in my life this week but even as dad's life was fading, he still knew what was best for his family. He couldn't give us anything but time and that's exactly what he gave us. He's always been the strongest and most determined character that I've ever known. Someone very close to me told me that he will decide when it's time to leave and I believe that's what he did. He may have been ill but he didn't leave before Christmas because he knew it would be unbelievably hard. He made it into January and then must have thought 'Oh B*&%$r' because of mom's birthday on 3rd and my brother's on 9th so he clung on knowing that we could share those special memories... and then it would be okay to leave. However painful our loss might be, we can be comforted by the fact that he is not suffering any more. His pain is now shared between everyone who ever loved him. His body was 87 years old and was failing him quite miserably but now there is a sense of relief because his spirit is free.

87 years of memories cannot be washed away with one day's new tide

Miklós Szabó 16 Nov 1924 - 10 Jan 2012

Happy Birthday Aunty Dot!

 Sisters hey... Dorothy and Mary.

Ha ha Aunty Dorothy... who's that in the background, I wonder...?!

This made me laugh out loud!

Happy Birthday lickle bruv...

Ha ha hahaha, ha ha hahaha... BIG love xxx there are plenty more where those came from...!!!

Here is my New Year's wish for 2012...

I am going to posterize the entire world, one photograph at a time... :) x

I bought 5 new compact discs, otherwise known as cds last week when I couldn't sleep. Okay, I'm not the only one in my family right now with unusual nocturnal habits! I awoke on Thursday morning, well woke was a slight exaggeration because I'd hardly been asleep. I reckon I'd had about four hours when I finally gave up at 5:30am. "Can I drive to work yet?" was my first thought! "Perhaps it's a bit early" so I decided to surf and buy some of the music I've been thinking about recently. Amazon is easy to use and within half an hour I'd bought five cds and hurrah, I could shower and drive to work without people thinking I was a complete nut!

So which is my fave cd so far? That's easy.. it's BIRDY. Anyone who I accuse of having an obsessive personality look away now because when it comes to music, I can be as obsessive as the next person. In my defence I don't know the artist very well and apart from hearing her single, skinny love, I hadn't heard any of the tracks before I put it in my dvd player this afternoon. I'm now on cycle number 4 and I love it!

BIRDY is a 15 year old musician who lives in Hampshire, UK. Her debut album is brilliant!

Greg's pickle... !

He's my brother and I love him to bits! Yesterday he rolled down the M6 from Lancaster and I climbed up the M5 to meet half way at chez-sz. I bought a chocolate covered caterpillar cake which I had spent all morning making... mmm, she lied! Whereas my little brother brought a Hungarian dish, a homemade Lecho for our lunch. My brother is a dark horse because later he brought out jars of his homemade piccalilli and something very black and sticky which I now refer to as Greg's Lancashire Chutney! I was so inspired by this homemade produce that this afternoon I made my favourite loaf, a recipe of Nigel Slater's. I bought some brown flour and buttermilk on the way home in preparation for my baking adventure. I also made some red pepper and tomato soup and as you can see, it turned out a treat! I only have just over half a jar of piccalilli left! It's often the simplest meals that are the most tasty :) yesterday I shared my meal with some of my lovely family (another time Maz :) and today I shared my meal with... ME! I thought of you all whilst I was eating it... honest, I did!

ps HAPPY BIRTHDAY for tomorrow GERGELY XlotsXofXlove

Smile... I am not another bill!

Notanotherbill is the perfect choice for anyone such as me who loves surprises. Today I arrived home to find my postbox bulging with 5 music cds I ordered early Friday morning, some bills and this parcel which was clearly marked to say 'Smile I am not another bill'

The whole parcel oozes with love and care. I didn't want to open it at first so I just placed it on the side so I could savour the moment when I unwrapped it and found out what this month's surprise might be.

My daughter knows I love words and one of the loveliest things about this parcel is the letter that accompanies the gifts. In a world when so much is anonymous, this letter is wonderfully personal. In a world when so little time and effort is taken over packaging, it's lovely to receive a gift that brings a smile to my face - just like it said it would :) I'm a very lucky mummy bear xx

My Chinese symbol of longevity...

It’s big and leafy and it's all mine! And guess what, I managed to fit it in my car. It’s rare these days to be totally surprised when I receive a gift. It’s certainly not like being six any more when everything that happens to you seems like a big surprise. Both my children have surprised me this year with thoughtful gifts. Youngest first...

I popped around to Rich & Jess’s yesterday after spending the day with Mom, Greg and his lovely family. It was great to see little Peter and Lois again. Rich asked me to follow them home so I could collect my Christmas gift. I was quite taken aback when I stepped into their hall and there was my 7ft bamboo tree complete with monster pot. There had been some debate as to whether I'd be able to get it home in my car but I did. I drove it to Lisa's mom & dads where it has sat overnight in their hall. Then I packed it up again this morning, took it to Sainsbury's on route home and now it's in situ in my hall.

I've just discovered that bamboo plants are the fastest growing plants in the world! Given the right conditions they can grow 100cm in 24 hours... yikes!


Ha ha... my family know that I can't keep plants, it's a gift of mine. So however realistic this bamboo might be, it's not alive so even I won't be able to kill it off. I'm unsure whether this is the right place for my new ornamental bamboo tree (perhaps I'll call it Panda?!) but I think it looks pretty cool where it is right now. Perhaps it also needs twinkle lights... mmm... 

Happy New Year 2012 and a slice of SZABO rock...

I make no apologies for the fact that I'm dedicating the very first post of 2012 to my mom and dad. My dad has made it into 2012 - only just! The stubborn old 'so and so', that we know and love so dearly, has rallied enough to still be giving us all palpitations and tearful smiles into this brand new year.

I know it seems odd to say Happy New Year when the start of the year will inevitably be a sad one but that’s what my dad would want. It’s going to be a challenging start to 2012 but we’re a strong family and we know how to pull together and support each other through the tough times. My mum and dad have given their three offspring so much to be thankful for, not least some great fashion sense in headgear! I'm always the Pollyanna of the family and play the glad game just like Mr Kipling, exceedingly well. The past few months have given us all the opportunity to play the glad game and although we've all had misty eyes, and more from time to time, we can still laugh and that’s such a relief.

We’ve always had a lot of laughs as a family and however tough life and it's passing might be right now, we won’t feel guilty for taking time out to smile about the good times and laugh our loud about the crazy ones. Learning, accepting the changes put in front of us and adapting to those changes has been the key to our coping mechanism right now. It's the precious oil that is making us keep working and living when the landscape around us is changing.

"Great loves mean great losses" is a phrase I keep using. Sadly, I've had a few of those but none like this one. I try to learn from every situation I put myself in or find I'm in through the actions of others. I learnt a while ago that when I truly love someone, it's not easy to let go. They may move on but my love remains the same. It may fade in time but I find it comforting to have lost loves. Strange as it may sound, it feels right to know that I have the capability to love deeply and strongly and I'd rather love with all my heart and lose that love, than live a mediocre life.

I love my mom and dad to bits (shouldn't we all!) and the great thing for me is that this doesn’t have to change. My wonderful dad has had enough influence on my life for that to continue, certainly while I still live and breathe! He’s here with me now and always will be. I know the love we have for each other is unconditional so it doesn’t matter whether we see each other once a day, twice a week or once in 5 years – we know we’re loved and that’s what binds the Szabo family together. If you sliced me in half then just like a stick of rock you’d find SZABO LOVE hand written, “Always your best handwriting” dad would say, and I’m exceedingly glad about that!